Breaking Free from Old Patterns: How Shenpa Affects Relationships
In our relationships, there are moments when we feel hooked by something our partner says or does, triggering an automatic response. These triggers often stem from deep-rooted childhood experiences and can lead us into reactive, unhealthy patterns of behavior. The concept of shenpa, a Tibetan term often used in mindfulness practices, describes this experience of being "hooked" or emotionally charged by something, leading us to react in ways we later regret.
Shenpa is like a spark that ignites an old wound. It’s the feeling of being pulled into a familiar emotional reaction, one that often leads to dysfunctional patterns in relationships. While this reaction may have served as a coping mechanism in childhood, it can be detrimental to our adult relationships.
How Childhood Abandonment Led to Shenpa
As a child, Amy often felt abandoned by her mother. Her mom would frequently leave the house to party, leaving Amy feeling panicked and alone. Desperate to stop her mom from abandoning her, Amy would criticize her mother’s habits, trying to shame her in hopes that her mom would finally realize the damage she was causing and stay home. This was Amy's way of trying to regain control over a painful situation. While this behavior was an adaptive coping mechanism in childhood—an attempt to stop the abandonment—Amy carried this pattern into adulthood, where it began to damage her relationship with her husband.
In her marriage, Amy would feel hooked (shenpa) during disagreements, especially when her husband did something that reminded her of those feelings of abandonment and disconnection from her childhood. When she felt this emotional charge, she would criticize him in an attempt to show how much his behavior was hurting her or their kids. The criticizing activated his origin wounds leading to defensiveness and verbal attacks. This incessant loop would go on until he would get fed up and leave the situation—physically or emotionally—which triggered Amy’s old wound of abandonment even more.
This cycle of criticism and withdrawal created a painful dynamic in their relationship. Amy’s criticism, which was really a plea for connection and reassurance, only led to more of the very thing she feared: abandonment.
Understanding Shenpa in Relationships
Shenpa occurs when an unresolved emotional wound gets triggered, and we react in a habitual, often unconscious, way. It might look like:
Lashing out in anger
Criticizing or blaming
Withdrawing emotionally or shutting down
Trying to control the situation or the other person
In Amy’s case, her childhood wound of abandonment was triggered when her husband did something that made her feel emotionally unsafe. Her shenpa response was to criticize and try to control his behavior, just as she did with her mom. This, in turn, activated his shenpa response. The attempt to avoid the pain of abandonment backfired and led to the exact outcome she wanted to avoid.
How to Work with Shenpa for Healthier Relationships
Notice When You're Hooked
The first step in breaking free from shenpa is to notice when you’re hooked. Pay attention to the sensations in your body when you feel that familiar emotional charge. It might feel like tightening in your chest, tension in your shoulders, or a surge of heat. Recognizing these physical signs can help you pause before reacting.
For Amy, she started to recognize that when her husband did something that reminded her of feeling abandoned, her body would tighten, and her mind would want to go straight to “I’m going to show you how much this hurts me!” By noticing this, she could pause instead of reacting automatically.
Create Space for Awareness
Once you’ve noticed the shenpa, take a breath and create space for awareness. This is the moment to check in with yourself and ask, “What is really happening here? Am I responding to what’s happening right now, or is this reaction tied to something I’ve felt before?” Often, the emotion behind shenpa is fear, pain, or insecurity.
For Amy, it was fear of abandonment. In that moment, instead of reacting with criticism, she learned to ask herself, “What am I really afraid of?” This helped her tap into the deeper emotion beneath her reaction.
Respond Instead of Reacting
When we react from a place of shenpa, we’re often not responding to the present moment but to an old wound. By creating space and becoming aware of the underlying emotion, you can choose a different response—one that’s rooted in the present and not in past pain.
For Amy, once she identified her fear of abandonment, she chose a response that didn’t push her husband away. Instead of criticizing, she started expressing her vulnerability by saying, “When you walk away, I feel really scared and alone. Can we talk about this instead?” or “I’m noticing myself getting defensive, and I think it’s because I’m feeling hurt. I want us to work through this, but I need a moment to collect myself,” or "This situation is bringing up some old fears for me, and I just need reassurance right now that we’re okay." This kind of response invites connection instead of triggering defensiveness.
Practice Self-Compassion
Breaking free from shenpa takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself when you notice old patterns arising. It’s important to practice self-compassion, recognizing that these patterns were developed in response to past pain. We start by becoming aware of our patterns that no longer serve us, then slowly move from noticing when we engage with it, to repairing connection faster, to catching ourselves as we do it, then stopping ourselves when we feel the urge to engage, and finally, responding with regulated and effective communication.
Amy had to learn to be kind to herself when she felt triggered, reminding herself that it was okay to feel afraid. She would tell herself, “Yes, I know you’re feeling scared right now, but we’re safe. We can handle this differently.” This self-compassion helped her stay grounded in the present instead of getting lost in her past pain.
Shenpa can feel overwhelming, but it’s also an opportunity for growth. When we feel hooked, it’s a chance to look more deeply at our old wounds and learn to respond in healthier ways. By becoming aware of these triggers and choosing different responses, we can break free from old dysfunctional patterns and create more compassionate, connected relationships.
In Amy’s case, by learning to work with her shenpa, she was able to stop the cycle of criticism and withdrawal in her marriage. Instead of trying to control her husband’s behavior, she focused on expressing her fears and needs more vulnerably, which allowed them to work through conflicts with greater understanding and connection.
How Can You Work with Shenpa in Your Own Relationship?
If you find yourself getting hooked by old patterns in your relationship, take a moment to reflect. What past wounds might be influencing your reactions? How can you create space for awareness and choose a different response? By practicing these steps, you can break free from dysfunctional patterns and build healthier, more resilient relationships.
