Lost in Marriage and Parenting? Here’s How to Rediscover Your Spark
Marriage and parenting are two of the most fulfilling life experiences, yet they can often come with a hidden cost—self-loss. As we pour ourselves into our relationships, children, careers, and daily responsibilities, it’s easy to lose touch with the person we once were. The passions that once lit us up, the hobbies that made us smile, and the moments of carefree play can slowly fade into the background, overshadowed by the demands of family life.
Many people find themselves asking, “Where did I go?” or “Who am I outside of being a spouse or a parent?” If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. But the good news is, it’s possible to rediscover yourself and rekindle that inner spark by intentionally incorporating more pleasure, play, passion, purpose, and setting boundaries that honor your needs.
The Hidden Path to Self-Loss
Marriage and parenting often require sacrifice. We devote so much time and energy to nurturing our family that we can forget to nurture ourselves. The day-to-day grind of work, maintaining the household, taking care of the kids, and being a supportive partner can leave little room for anything else. Over time, you start to feel disconnected from your own wants and needs.
Self-loss doesn’t happen overnight—it’s gradual. Perhaps you used to paint, write, hike, camp, sing, or dance, but now those activities feel like distant memories. You used to have dreams and goals outside of family life, but now your dreams revolve around making sure everyone else is taken care of. And while love, care, and devotion are beautiful parts of marriage and parenting, they shouldn’t come at the expense of your own identity.
Losing yourself in the process of caring for others is not sustainable. Without tending to your own emotional and personal needs, you risk burnout, resentment, and dissatisfaction. Reclaiming your sense of self allows you to bring the best version of you into your relationships, which ultimately benefits your spouse, children, and, most importantly, you. When you reconnect with the things that bring you joy, you feel more fulfilled and energized. This makes you more present with your family and allows you to show up more authentically in your marriage. By making space for your own pleasure, play, passion, and purpose, you enrich not just your life but the lives of those around you.
Incorporating Pleasure Into Your Life
Pleasure isn’t just about physical sensations—it’s about feeling alive, vibrant, and engaged with life. But in the busyness of marriage and parenting, we can lose sight of what makes us feel good. To bring back more pleasure into your life, ask yourself:
What used to make me feel alive? Think back to activities, hobbies, or experiences that once brought you joy. Whether it’s dancing, reading, taking nature walks, or simply listening to music, carve out time for it again.
Am I prioritizing my senses? Take time to indulge your senses—whether that’s savoring a delicious meal, lighting candles with your favorite scent, or soaking in a bath. Simple sensory experiences can ground you in the present moment and remind you of the pleasures available in everyday life.
Reintroducing Play
As adults, we often forget the value of play, but it’s a crucial component of joy and connection. Play can be spontaneous, creative, and doesn’t have to be tied to a goal. Here’s how to bring more play into your life:
Loosen up with your kids: Instead of structuring every moment, let go and play with your kids. Join in their games, laugh with them, and get curious about how they see the world. It’s a great way to bond and rediscover the joy of playfulness.
Try something new: Engaging in a new activity or hobby can bring back the sense of play. Try a new class, sport, or even a board game night with friends or your partner. The key is to approach it with curiosity and a sense of fun.
Reviving Your Passion
Your passions are what make you feel alive and connected to your true self. These are the things that ignite your inner fire—whether that’s a creative pursuit, a sport, or a career goal. To reconnect with your passions:
Start small: You don’t need to dive headfirst into your passion. Start by giving yourself 15-30 minutes a week to do something you love. Over time, you’ll be able to expand that time and weave more passion into your daily life.
Involve your partner: Share your passions with your spouse. Whether it’s cooking together, taking on a creative project, or simply talking about what lights you up, your partner can be a source of support and encouragement.
Finding Purpose in the Everyday
Purpose gives your life direction and meaning. While marriage and parenting provide deep purpose, it’s important to find personal meaning outside of your family role. To reconnect with purpose:
Ask yourself what matters: What values guide your life? What legacy do you want to leave? By identifying what’s most important to you, you can align your daily actions with your sense of purpose.
Set personal goals: Even if your life is busy, setting small personal goals can give you a renewed sense of purpose. It could be learning a new skill, giving back to your community, or working toward a long-term dream.
The Importance of Boundaries
While we’ve talked about rekindling pleasure, play, passion, and purpose, one key piece to reclaiming yourself in marriage and parenting is setting and maintaining boundaries. Healthy boundaries are essential because they allow you to protect your time, energy, and sense of self. In relationships, especially those that involve caregiving, it’s easy to fall into the trap of overfunctioning—doing more than your fair share to keep things running smoothly. We compulsively say yes without even thinking. But when you constantly put others' needs above your own, you risk exhaustion, resentment, and further self-loss.
Setting boundaries is an act of self-protection and kindness, not just for you but for everyone involved. Clear boundaries prevent misunderstandings, unmet needs, and emotional burnout. Here’s why boundaries matter:
Boundaries honor your needs: When you say “no” to something that overextends you, you’re saying “yes” to yourself. You’re respecting your own limits and energy levels.
They prevent resentment: When you overextend yourself without boundaries, it’s easy to feel resentment toward those who seem to take too much. Boundaries help you give from a place of genuine care instead of obligation.
Boundaries are kind to everyone: They foster clearer communication. When you’re clear about what you can and can’t do, it sets realistic expectations for others. It’s a way to avoid confusion and build healthier relationships.
To begin setting boundaries:
Be honest and clear: Communicate your needs calmly and assertively. For example, if you need time alone after a long day, express that you need a break to recharge before diving into family activities.
Practice saying no: It’s OK to say no. You can decline requests or set limits without guilt, knowing it’s necessary for your well-being.
Recognize overfunctioning patterns: If you often find yourself doing more than your fair share, ask yourself if you’re overfunctioning out of habit or fear of disappointing others. Begin to delegate and share responsibilities.
If you’re ready to reclaim your identity and establish healthy boundaries, here are some steps to help you begin:
Create Non-Negotiable Time for Yourself
Schedule time for yourself in the same way you schedule appointments or work. Whether it’s 30 minutes a day or a couple of hours on the weekend, treat this time as sacred. Use it to engage in activities that bring you joy, fulfillment, or relaxation.Communicate with Your Partner
Talk to your partner about your need to reconnect with yourself and the importance of setting boundaries. When both partners support each other’s personal growth, it strengthens the marriage.Let Go of Guilt
Many parents, especially moms, feel guilty about taking time for themselves. But remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. By filling your own cup with things that nourish your soul, you’ll have more energy to give to your family.Incorporate Small Joys Daily
Pleasure, play, passion, and purpose don’t have to be grand gestures. Incorporate small moments of joy throughout your day. It could be dancing while you cook, having a 10-minute meditation, or taking a quick walk during lunch.Set and Respect Boundaries
Start with small boundaries in your daily life. Be clear about your needs, and practice saying no when necessary. The more you honor your boundaries, the more confident and empowered you’ll feel.
Self-loss in marriage and parenting is common, but it’s not permanent. By actively prioritizing pleasure, play, passion, and purpose—and setting boundaries—you can rediscover who you are and rekindle the spark within. It’s about more than just balancing the roles of spouse and parent—it’s about honoring yourself as an individual with desires, dreams, and needs. When you take care of yourself, you bring your whole, vibrant self back into your marriage and family life, creating healthier relationships and a more fulfilled life for everyone involved.
