Shaping Perception for Stronger Relationships
Our perception of reality is largely determined by what we choose to focus on. But what if I told you that our focus is influenced by a specific part of the brain known as the Reticular Activating System (RAS)? The RAS is a gatekeeper, filtering out the unimportant and directing our attention to what we deem significant. In relationships, this filter is critical because it shapes how we see others, how we interpret their behavior, and how we communicate.
The RAS is a network of neurons located in your brainstem that acts like a filter between your conscious mind and the vast amount of sensory data your brain processes every second. It decides what you notice and what you overlook based on what you’ve deemed important—whether consciously or unconsciously. For example, if you’ve been thinking about buying a particular car, you suddenly start seeing that car everywhere. The RAS has prioritized this information because it aligns with your focus.
In relationships, this same filter shapes how we interpret the actions, words, and emotions of our partner. The RAS locks in on certain details, creating patterns that affect how we perceive the people closest to us—sometimes in ways that are helpful, but often in ways that reinforce existing biases or beliefs.
Perception is Projection: How the RAS Projects Your Inner Beliefs onto Relationships
Perception isn’t just about what you see; it’s deeply influenced by your thoughts, beliefs, and past experiences. Your brain is wired to notice things that confirm what you already believe to be true. This phenomenon is known as cognitive bias, and your RAS plays a starring role in it. If you believe your partner is always dismissive, your RAS will filter out moments of kindness and focus on moments that confirm this belief.
This means that perception is often a projection—you’re seeing in your partner what you expect to see based on your own internal landscape. It’s not that your partner is always dismissive; it’s that your RAS is filtering out the times when they aren’t.
How the RAS Shapes Your Relationships
The RAS filters information based on the emotional and cognitive patterns you’ve established over time. If your relationship patterns are rooted in past wounds, unresolved conflicts, or unmet emotional needs, your RAS will project those fears and anxieties onto your current partner. This can cause misunderstandings, tension, and even unnecessary conflict.
For example:
Past Experiences: If you’ve been hurt in the past by betrayal, your RAS might make you hyper-aware of any behavior from your partner that feels remotely suspicious, even if they’ve done nothing wrong. Your perception is being filtered through the lens of old wounds.
Insecurities: If you’re insecure about your own worthiness of love, your RAS might focus on small moments where your partner seems distant, ignoring the times they express love and care.
The good news is that by intentionally rewiring your RAS, you can shift how you perceive your partner and how you show up in the relationship.
Using the RAS to Build Stronger Relationships
Understanding the role of the RAS in shaping perception is a game changer for relationships. By becoming aware of how your brain filters information, you can consciously choose to focus on what builds connection rather than what creates disconnection. Here’s how you can use the RAS to strengthen your relationships:
1. Set Intentions for What You Want to See
Just as you can train your RAS to focus on a specific car or opportunity, you can train it to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. If you set an intention to notice your partner’s loving actions, moments of kindness, or times when they try to connect, your RAS will begin to highlight these moments for you.
Try this: Each day, set a positive intention to observe three things you appreciate about your partner. Over time, your RAS will start filtering for more moments of appreciation and connection.
2. Challenge Your Cognitive Biases
If you notice that your RAS is focusing on negative patterns, such as criticism or blame, challenge those biases. Ask yourself, Is this really true? or What evidence do I have that my partner is also showing care? This helps retrain your RAS to focus on a more balanced picture.
Example: If your RAS makes you hyper-aware of your partner’s shortcomings, make a conscious effort to also recognize their strengths.
3. Practice Active Listening and Empathy
The RAS influences not only what we hear but how we hear it. Often, we listen to respond rather than to understand, filtering our partner’s words through our own biases. By practicing active listening—focusing fully on what your partner is saying without preparing your response—you can rewire your RAS to prioritize understanding and empathy.
Tip: The next time you’re having a conversation with your partner, try to listen without interrupting or immediately reacting. Focus entirely on their words, tone, and body language.
4. Communicate with Intentionality
Your RAS can also help improve communication in your relationship by encouraging you to speak with intentionality. When you set an intention to be clear, compassionate, or understanding in your conversations, your brain will filter for the best opportunities to practice these qualities.
Example: Before a difficult conversation, set an intention to communicate with empathy and to listen without judgment. Your RAS will help you stay focused on that goal, even when emotions run high.
Your Perception is Power
The Reticular Activating System shapes how you experience the world and your relationships. By recognizing that your perception is a projection of your beliefs and experiences, you can begin to consciously rewire your RAS to focus on the things that nurture love, connection, and understanding. In doing so, you can transform your relationships from a place of tension and miscommunication to one of trust, empathy, and mutual growth.
By setting positive intentions, challenging biases, practicing active listening, and cultivating positive feelings about your relationship, you can leverage the power of your RAS to build stronger, healthier connections. Remember, your brain is always filtering—make sure it’s filtering for what truly matters.
What will you focus on today?
