Shifting from Ego to Connection to Transform Relationships
In every relationship, whether it’s with our partner, friends, family, or even strangers, the ego loves to sneak in and create separation. It tells us stories that we are either better than or less than the people around us. This mental game can build walls of judgment, defensiveness, insecurity, and resentment—often without us even realizing it.
But what if we could change that narrative? What if, instead of sizing ourselves up against others, we embraced a mindset of "same-as" or "just like me"? It’s a powerful shift in perspective that can bring us closer together and help us develop deeper, more meaningful connections. It taps into the universal truth that, beneath the surface, we are all human beings with the same fundamental needs.
The Ego's Game
The ego loves to compare. It constantly seeks validation, either by inflating our sense of self-worth or deflating it. One moment, you may find yourself thinking, "I’m so much better at this than they are." The next moment, your thoughts shift to, "Why can’t I be as successful, attractive, or confident as them?"
Both of these thought patterns—feeling superior or inferior—come from the ego’s desire to separate us from others. It’s like a mental scorecard, always comparing, ranking, and positioning ourselves in relation to the people around us. The problem is, this leaves little room for empathy, compassion, or genuine connection. Instead, we get stuck in a cycle of competition or self-criticism.
Shifting to the "Same-As" Mentality
One antidote to the ego’s divisive tendencies is adopting a "same-as" or "just like me" mentality. This approach, often taught by spiritual leaders like Pema Chödrön and Deepak Chopra, invites us to remember that all human beings share core desires. We all want to be:
Loved
Heard
Seen
Respected
Accepted
Safe
Secure
Valued for who we truly are
When you shift your mindset to recognize that others have the same basic needs as you do, it becomes much harder to stay stuck in judgment or comparison. Instead of seeing others as "better" or "worse," you begin to view them as equals—fellow humans walking the same path, with their own struggles, triumphs, and vulnerabilities.
How This Shift Benefits Relationships
Deeper Empathy and Compassion: The moment you realize someone is "just like me," your ability to empathize grows. Instead of assuming that their behaviors or opinions come from a place of malice or ignorance, you begin to see them as a reflection of their own desires to feel loved, respected, and secure. This can soften your heart and make space for compassion, even in moments of conflict.
For example, when your partner lashes out in frustration, instead of reacting defensively or criticizing their response, you might pause and reflect: “They want to feel heard and respected, just like I do.” This simple mental shift can defuse tension and open the door to connection instead of conflict.
Fewer Ego-Driven Conflicts: Many arguments in relationships stem from the ego's need to prove itself—whether that’s proving we’re right, smarter, or more in control. When you adopt the "same-as" mentality, these ego-driven battles become less frequent. You stop viewing disagreements as competitions to win and start focusing on understanding and resolution.
Instead of thinking, "Why don’t they get it? I’m right," you might think, "We both want to feel understood. How can we reach common ground?"
More Authentic Connection: The "same-as" mindset fosters authenticity. When you recognize that others are just like you, it becomes easier to let down your guard and show your true self. You realize that your vulnerabilities aren’t something to hide, but a shared human experience. This openness invites others to be authentic in return, leading to deeper, more meaningful relationships.
As Pema Chödrön often teaches, opening your heart in this way allows for true connection. We’re no longer pretending to be something we’re not, and that honesty builds trust and intimacy in relationships.
Less Judgment, More Understanding: When the ego runs the show, we often judge others harshly—whether it’s for their mistakes, differences, or imperfections. But when you view someone through the lens of "just like me," judgment naturally softens. You start to understand that, like you, they are doing their best with the tools and experiences they’ve been given.
This shift doesn’t mean you excuse harmful behavior, but it does allow you to respond with more kindness and understanding. For instance, when a friend lets you down, instead of labeling them as unreliable or uncaring, you might reflect, “Just like me, they have struggles and limits.”
The Brain on Connection
Neurologically, practicing the "same-as" mentality rewires the brain for connection and empathy. When we focus on similarities rather than differences, our brain releases oxytocin, often referred to as the "bonding hormone." This creates feelings of trust, safety, and closeness with others.
On the flip side, when we indulge the ego’s desire to separate us through comparison or judgment, the brain releases cortisol, the stress hormone. This triggers the fight-or-flight response, making us feel more isolated, defensive, and disconnected.
By shifting to a "same-as" mentality, we create an internal environment that is more conducive to calm, open, and connected interactions.
Practical Steps to Cultivate a "Same-As" Mentality
Pause and Reflect: In moments of frustration or judgment, pause and remind yourself, "This person is just like me. They want to be loved, respected, and understood." This small pause can change how you respond, leading to less defensiveness and more empathy.
Use Loving-Kindness Meditation: Practices like Loving-Kindness Meditation (Metta), where you intentionally send love and goodwill to yourself, loved ones, and even difficult people, reinforce the "same-as" mentality. You begin by recognizing your own needs, then extend that recognition to others.
Reframe Conflict as Shared Desire: In conflicts, remind yourself that both you and the other person share a desire for understanding and connection. Shift from a mindset of opposition to one of collaboration: “How can we both feel heard and valued?”
Ask Questions, Don’t Assume: Instead of assuming someone’s motives or intentions, ask them. When you inquire about their perspective, you invite deeper understanding and show that you respect their needs just as much as your own.
Daily "Just Like Me" Reflection: Throughout your day, take moments to reflect on the people you encounter and repeat the phrase, “Just like me, they want to feel loved, accepted, and understood.” This practice gradually rewires your brain to see others through a more compassionate and empathetic lens.
Oneness in Diversity
At the core of all human beings lies the same desire to love and be loved, to be seen, respected, and accepted for who we are. The ego tries to convince us that we are separate—either above or below others—but when we shift to a "same-as" mentality, we reclaim our shared humanity.
In relationships, this shift from judgment to connection transforms how we communicate, resolve conflicts, and deepen our bonds. By embracing the truth that we are all walking the same path, we create a foundation for healthier, more compassionate relationships that nurture the core desires we all share.
