Getting to the Root of Your Relationship Issues

Every relationship, no matter how healthy or strong, will face challenges. When it comes to these challenges, it's easy to get lost in the surface-level details: the disagreements, unmet expectations, or recurring arguments that seem to define your day-to-day struggles. But beneath the tension, there's a deeper layer to explore. At the core of nearly every relationship problem are three basic emotional needs: significance, security, and connection. Whether you’re frustrated because your partner isn’t showing appreciation, feeling anxious about where the relationship is headed, or experiencing emotional distance, the issue usually boils down to one of these three needs not being met. The good news? Understanding these needs—and recognizing how they play out in your own relationship—is key to transforming frustration into fulfillment. In this article, we’ll dive into what these emotional needs are, how they affect your relationship, and how to begin addressing them today.

1. Significance: Feeling Seen and Valued

Significance is the need to feel important, valued, and respected in a relationship. When you feel like your voice isn’t heard or your efforts go unnoticed, you may experience feelings of insignificance, leading to resentment or disconnection. This can manifest in various ways, such as feeling overlooked when making decisions or unappreciated for your contributions.

How This Shows Up in Relationships:

• Feeling as though your partner doesn’t recognize your contributions to the relationship or household.

• Struggling with a sense of being invisible or unimportant during conversations or conflicts.

• Experiencing frustration when your partner doesn’t affirm or acknowledge your efforts.

The brain is wired for social validation. When we feel valued, our brain releases dopamine, the “feel-good” hormone, reinforcing positive behaviors. When our significance is threatened, our brain may respond with stress and anxiety, triggering the fight-or-flight response.

Self-Coaching Questions for Significance:

• Am I feeling overlooked or undervalued at times?

• Are there moments when I believe my opinions or contributions aren't respected?

• Does a lack of affirmation and recognition leave me feeling unimportant or unappreciated?

2. Security: Feeling Safe and Stable

Security is the need to feel emotionally and physically safe in a relationship. Without it, fear, anxiety, and doubt can arise, leading to mistrust and emotional distance. A lack of security often shows up as questioning your partner's loyalty or the stability of the relationship.

How This Shows Up in Relationships:

• Frequently feeling anxious about your partner’s commitment or the future of your relationship.

• Struggling with trust, either due to past experiences or current behavior patterns.

• Feeling emotionally exposed without a sense of safety from your partner.

Our brains are highly sensitive to threats to security. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for fear responses, can become hyperactive when we sense danger—whether real or perceived—in our relationships. When security is threatened, cortisol (the stress hormone) surges, making it hard to think clearly and further increasing anxiety.

Self-Coaching Questions for Security:

• Do I ever question my partner's reliability or trustworthiness?

• Are there instances when I feel uncertain about my safety or the stability of the relationship?

• Does a lack of trust or emotional safety create anxiety or insecurity for me?

3. Connection: Feeling Emotionally Close

Connection is the need to feel understood, supported, and close to your partner. When connection is missing, couples often experience loneliness and isolation, even if they’re physically together. Emotional distance can build when partners struggle to share their thoughts, feelings, or experiences with each other.

A crucial aspect of connection is feeling understood. When we feel misunderstood, it highlights a gap in emotional intimacy and shared meaning. Feeling misunderstood can leave you feeling alone, even when you're in a relationship. It signals that your partner may not be fully “getting” you, whether during conversations, conflicts, or even simple daily interactions.

How This Shows Up:

• Feeling like your partner doesn’t fully grasp the deeper meaning of what you’re expressing.

• Noticing that conversations are missing emotional depth, leaving you frustrated or unheard.

• Struggling to convey your thoughts and emotions in a way that fosters mutual understanding.

Human connection activates the brain’s reward system. Oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone,” floods our system when we feel close to others. This creates feelings of warmth, trust, and love. When connection is disrupted, the brain perceives it as a threat to well-being, which can lead to stress and conflict. Similarly, when we feel misunderstood, the brain registers it as a social pain, heightening emotional distress and triggering defensive or avoidant behavior.

Self-Coaching Questions for Connection:

• Do I find it challenging to share my thoughts, feelings, or experiences with my partner?

• Are there moments when I feel misunderstood or disconnected from my partner?

• Does a lack of shared values, experiences, or mutual appreciation lead to feelings of isolation or disconnection?

• Do I feel that my partner listens to me without judgment or interruption?

• How often do I feel like my partner understands my perspective, even if they don’t agree with it?

Uncovering Your Unmet Desires

If you’re experiencing frustration or ambivalence in your relationship, it’s crucial to reflect on which of your emotional needs may be unmet. Use the following questions to help uncover what’s missing and how to address it:

1. What would make this situation better for me?
   Get specific about the changes that could improve your feelings in the relationship. This will help you identify actionable steps.

2. What does a fulfilling and happy relationship look like for me?
   Visualize your ideal relationship. Are there moments where you feel seen, secure, and connected? What does that look like?

3. What specific actions or changes have I taken to fulfill this?
   Reflect on the steps you’ve taken to meet your emotional needs. Have you clearly communicated your desires, or are you waiting for your partner to intuit them?

4. What do I desire from my partner?
   Identify the specific support, actions, or behaviors you wish your partner would provide. This helps clarify unmet needs.

5. What needs or expectations are not being met in this situation?
   Pinpoint the gap between your desires and reality. This will help you see where adjustments are needed.

For Significance:

• Am I feeling overlooked or undervalued at times?

• Are there moments when I believe my opinions or contributions aren't respected?

• Does a lack of affirmation and recognition leave me feeling unimportant or unappreciated?

For Security:

• Do I ever question my partner's reliability or trustworthiness?

• Are there instances when I feel uncertain about my safety or the stability of the relationship?

• Does a lack of trust or emotional safety create anxiety or insecurity for me?

For Connection:

• Do I find it challenging to share my thoughts, feelings, or experiences with my partner?

• Are there moments when I feel misunderstood or disconnected from my partner?

• Does a lack of shared values, experiences, or mutual appreciation lead to feelings of isolation or disconnection?

• Do I feel that my partner listens to me without judgment or interruption?

• How often do I feel like my partner understands my perspective, even if they don’t agree with it?

Actionable Steps to Transform Your Relationship

1. Build Awareness Through Open Conversations:
   Set aside time to have an honest conversation with your partner about your unmet emotional needs. This creates an opportunity for both of you to acknowledge gaps and work toward fulfilling them. Remember, timing and tone are key to a smooth, constructive conversation. The minute your spouse walks in the door after work may not be the best time, just as bringing up an issue when you’re hot about another topic. Your tone can create connection or disconnection depending what the place you are coming from. Focus on being loving, curious, and compassionate.

2. Regulate Your Nervous System Before Addressing Conflict:
   When discussing difficult topics, take a moment to breathe deeply, practice vagus nerve stimulation (such as humming or diaphragmatic breathing), try journaling before speaking to your partner to dump all of your thoughts on paper, or try stilling your mind and connecting with your inner wisdom through meditation. Visualize the conversation going smooth. See yourself stating your intention for the conversation to your partner. See yourself using ‘I’ statements and taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions. You’re listening with curiosity and compassion instead of feeling defensive. See yourself validating your partner’s experience, and your own. See yourself focusing on stating your desires positively and focusing on solutions. See the two of you hugging it out and feeling closer than before. This helps regulate the nervous system, promoting calm and clear communication rather than reacting emotionally.

3. Foster Connection with Shared Activities:
   Prioritize activities that bring you closer together, whether it’s date nights, new experiences, meaningful conversations, or hobbies you can both enjoy. Regularly investing in shared experiences strengthens emotional bonds and builds a deeper connection.

By focusing on significance, security, and connection, you can meet your emotional needs and guide your relationship toward deeper fulfillment and lasting growth. Use these exercises and steps to unlock greater awareness, address unmet desires, and start transforming your relationship today.