How to Deal When Your Partner is Mad at You
One of the hardest parts of being in a relationship is when your partner is upset or disappointed in you. It’s uncomfortable, and our natural reactions are often to get defensive, attack, people-please, or even shut down and avoid the situation altogether. But what happens when, no matter how you react, you can’t shake the anxiety, fear, or frustration that lingers? Why does it feel so impossible to just let it go when your partner is angry with you, and what can you do to manage your emotions when this happens?
In this article, I’ll walk you through four powerful strategies you can use to ease your emotional response when your partner is upset. These tools will help you find internal peace, even when there’s tension in your relationship.
Why We Struggle When Our Partner is Upset
When someone we care about is angry with us, it sets off alarm bells in our brain. This comes from a part of the brain known as the limbic system, which is designed to detect threats in our environment. The problem is that it can overreact, sending us into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode, even when the situation isn’t as dangerous as our brain makes it seem.
If you’ve had a stable and healthy upbringing or done personal work (like therapy or mindfulness practices), you might find it easier to calm down and regulate your emotions when triggered. But if you’ve experienced trauma or dysfunction, it can feel almost impossible to shake off these emotional reactions.
Triggers happen when something (a word, action, or situation) causes an unconscious reaction in us. These triggers send us into hyperarousal (fight or flight) or hypoarousal (freeze or fawn). In hyperarousal, you might feel anxious, panicked, or agitated, while hypoarousal might leave you feeling shut down, depressed, or disconnected. Understanding which response you typically experience is key to managing your reactions when your partner is upset.
Four Ways to Manage Your Emotions When Your Partner is Upset
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings
When your partner is upset, the first thing you can do is acknowledge how they feel. While you may be tempted to say, “That’s not what I meant,” or something along those lines, your intentions in the moment do not matter and will not help. You don’t have to agree with their perspective or admit wrongdoing. Simply showing that you understand their emotions can ease tension and create space for open communication.
For example, if your partner says they feel hurt because of something you did, you might respond by saying, “I can see that this situation really upset you, and that’s not what I want for us.” Acknowledging their feelings isn’t the same as taking blame—it’s about creating understanding and making your partner feel heard.
Even if they remain upset, you’ll feel better knowing you’ve approached the situation with openness and empathy. This helps you disengage from their emotions and avoid getting pulled into a cycle of anger or resentment.
2. Do Nothing (At First)
“Don’t just do something, stand there!” Sometimes, the best approach is to pause and give yourself time to reflect. It may help you let your partner know by saying something like, “I hear you. Let me think about this.” Instead of jumping in to fix the situation or calm your partner down, take a step back and focus on managing your own emotional response.
When your brain starts to obsess over what’s wrong, gently remind yourself to return to the present. Mindfulness is a great tool here—practice being fully present in the moment without judgment. This can help calm your nervous system and reduce your need to react immediately.
3. Practice Loving Detachment
Loving detachment means caring about your partner while not allowing their emotions to dictate your own emotional state. It’s a way of protecting your peace while staying connected. This practice is rooted in the idea of non-attachment, which teaches us to let go of our need to control outcomes or fix other people’s feelings. Here are some helpful phrases you can use to lovingly detach and create space, to avoid getting tangled up in their emotional storm:
“I can care without carrying."
"They are allowed have their feelings without me needing to change them or fix anything."
“They are feeling disappointed and that’s ok.”
“I feel anxious because they are upset with me and that’s ok.”
When you detach lovingly, you remind yourself that while your partner’s feelings matter, they don’t define your happiness. You can maintain empathy and compassion without becoming consumed by their anger or frustration.
4. Use the Me/Them/We Lens
When your partner is upset, it’s natural to see things from your own perspective (the "Me Lens"). You think about how their anger affects you and what you’re feeling in response. But this view can be biased and cause unnecessary emotional suffering.
Instead, try shifting to the "Them Lens" by considering your partner’s perspective. Ask yourself, “What’s going on for them? What might they be experiencing that’s causing this reaction?” This shift helps you develop empathy and reduces your emotional reactivity.
Once you’ve acknowledged both perspectives, you can take it a step further with the "We Lens." This is where you focus on what both of you can do as a team to move forward. For example, you might say, “I understand why you’re upset, and I want to find a way for us to communicate better so we can avoid this kind of situation in the future.”
Closing Thoughts
Sitting with the discomfort that comes when your partner is upset isn’t easy, but it’s a critical skill for creating a healthy relationship. The more you practice calming your emotional responses and approaching these situations with empathy, the easier it will become to navigate these tough moments with grace and understanding.
Take the time to practice these four strategies the next time your partner is upset with you. They’ll help you feel more grounded and capable of responding in a way that promotes connection rather than conflict.
