How Fighting Reality is Hurting Your Relationship—and What to Do Instead
At some point in life, we’ve all found ourselves fighting against reality—whether it’s wishing our partner would behave differently, wanting a situation to unfold in a particular way, or feeling frustrated that life isn’t meeting our expectations. But have you ever wondered why we resist? Why do we struggle so hard against what is, rather than accepting things as they are? The answer lies in both our psychology and the wiring of our brains. By unraveling these mechanisms, we’ll see how our resistance can harm relationships—and more importantly, how we can transform it to create more harmony and peace.
Why We Fight Reality
At the heart of resistance is the brain’s inherent craving for certainty and control. Human brains are wired for survival, and one of the primary ways we do that is by making sense of the world around us. Our brains thrive on patterns and predictability because they reduce cognitive load. When things happen in ways that align with our expectations, the brain feels safe and secure.
However, when life deviates from what we expect—whether it’s a partner’s behavior, a sudden life change, or unmet goals—the brain reacts with discomfort. We feel this as cognitive dissonance, a psychological tension that occurs when there’s a mismatch between our internal beliefs and external reality. This dissonance pushes us to resist, wishing things would be different so we can regain the illusion of control.
The Ego and Our Need to Be Right
Interpersonal psychology tells us that much of our resistance stems from the ego’s need to be right. The ego is the part of our identity that thrives on a sense of superiority, importance, and certainty. In relationships, this often manifests as the need to have our way, or the belief that our partner should behave in certain ways to validate our own perspective.
When reality doesn’t align with our expectations—when our partner doesn’t act how we want them to, or when things don’t go as planned—the ego gets triggered. It interprets these moments as threats to its control, safety, and sense of self. So, we resist, attempting to bend reality to our will instead of accepting what’s happening.
Another reason we fight reality is our brain’s built-in negativity bias. This bias is the brain’s evolutionary tendency to focus on potential threats and negative experiences more than positive ones. The negativity bias kept our ancestors safe from predators, but in modern life, it causes us to fixate on what’s wrong with our relationships or circumstances.
When something doesn’t go as expected, our brain clings to the negative aspects, leading us to resist the situation. Instead of accepting the present moment, the negativity bias amplifies the problem and fuels our desire to control or change what we don’t like.
Resistance Creates Suffering
In relationships, resistance shows up in many forms—resentment, frustration, disappointment, or attempts to change our partner. This creates a painful dynamic because when we resist reality, we’re not engaging with what is; we’re engaging with a fantasy of what we want to be true.
Unmet Expectations: Often, we enter relationships with expectations that our partner will meet certain needs or behave in particular ways. When these expectations aren’t met, we resist. We try to control our partner or become emotionally reactive, creating unnecessary conflict.
Judgment: Resistance frequently comes from judging our partner’s actions. We tell ourselves stories like, “If they really loved me, they’d do X,” or “They should be more like this.” This kind of thinking keeps us stuck in a loop of dissatisfaction and prevents us from seeing our partner for who they truly are.
Emotional Exhaustion: The more we resist, the more emotional energy we expend. Constantly trying to control what we can’t leads to chronic frustration, stress, and even burnout in relationships. We exhaust ourselves fighting against the flow of life and the people we care about.
Eckhart Tolle explains this beautifully: “Stress is caused by being ‘here’ but wanting to be ‘there.’” When we resist the reality of our relationship, we disconnect from the present moment, believing that happiness lies somewhere else—if only things were different.
Recognize Resistance
Recognizing resistance to reality can be tricky because it often feels like we're simply responding to difficult circumstances. However, there are clear signs that we're pushing against what is instead of accepting things as they are. Here are some clues that can help you identify when you're resisting reality:
1. Replaying the Past
When you're caught in a cycle of wishing things had gone differently or replaying conversations and situations in your mind, it’s a sign you’re resisting reality. This constant "what if" thinking shows you’re holding onto how things should have been rather than accepting how they are. Thoughts like "It shouldn’t have happened that way" or "If only they had done it differently."
For example, after an argument, you replay the interaction over and over, thinking, "They should have apologized," or "If only I had said this instead."
2. Complaining or Feeling Frustrated by What Is
Resistance often manifests through constant complaining or frustration with the way things are. This comes from a refusal to accept that reality isn’t aligning with your expectations or desires. When you resist, you might feel the urge to blame others, situations, or even yourself for not living up to a certain standard. If you frequently think, “This isn’t fair,” or “Why is this happening to me?” You may complain about your partner’s habits or how they don’t show affection in the way you want, without considering that they have their own ways of expressing love.
3. Tightening or Tension in the Body
Our bodies often signal when we’re resisting. You might notice physical tension, tightness, or restlessness when you're emotionally resisting something. This is a somatic reaction to mental resistance, where your mind and body refuse to relax into reality. You may feel tightness in your chest, clenched fists or jaw, or a knot in your stomach. It may come up when faced with an uncomfortable truth about your relationship and you feel restless or anxious, physically closing off to what’s happening.
4. Arguing with "Should" Statements
A huge clue that you’re resisting reality is frequent use of "should" or "shouldn’t" statements, either internally or in conversations. These statements imply that reality ought to be different from what it actually is, creating inner conflict. You’re thinking, "They should behave differently," or "This shouldn’t be happening." You think your partner should know exactly how to support you without needing to be told, leading to frustration when they don’t meet your unspoken expectations.
5. Trying to Control Everything
When you’re resisting reality, you might notice a tendency to micromanage or control situations, people, or outcomes. This stems from a fear of uncertainty and an inability to accept the present moment as it unfolds naturally. If you feel the need to control your environment, decisions, or others' actions, this may be a clue that you’re resisting what is. You’ll find yourself nagging your spouse or children to do things your way, constantly worrying that if you don’t intervene, things will fall apart.
6. Blaming and Resentment
Resistance often shows up as blaming others or circumstances for how you feel. Rather than accepting the situation, you project your dissatisfaction onto something external, which creates a cycle of resentment and frustration. If you frequently feel resentment or blame toward others for the way things are, that’s a clue. You may find that you blame your partner for the lack of excitement in your relationship, believing that if they changed, you would feel more fulfilled.
7. Focusing on the Problem, Not the Solution
A hallmark of resisting reality is focusing on what’s wrong rather than seeking solutions or embracing what’s in your control. When you’re stuck in resistance, you dwell on the problem without taking proactive steps to accept or improve it. You may feel stuck, complaining about the issue without making an effort to shift your perspective or actions. Instead of having a constructive conversation with your partner about your needs, you focus on how they keep disappointing you and do nothing to address it.
8. Feeling Powerless or Victimized
Resistance can make you feel as though life is happening to you rather than for you. You might feel powerless, as though you’re at the mercy of external forces or people, unable to influence or change your circumstances. Thoughts of "Why me?" or "There’s nothing I can do about this." You may feel like a victim in your relationship, thinking that your partner’s behavior is making you miserable, and believe you have no power to improve the situation.
The Power of Acceptance
While resistance is the brain’s default setting, we also have the power to retrain it toward acceptance. Neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to reorganize and rewire itself—teaches us that with practice, we can shift our habitual responses from resistance to acceptance. When we practice acceptance, we activate the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the part of the brain responsible for higher-order thinking, emotional regulation, and decision-making. This area of the brain helps us manage our reactions to difficult situations. In contrast, resistance often activates the amygdala, the brain’s fear center, triggering stress responses and keeping us stuck in fight-or-flight mode. By practicing acceptance, we engage the PFC, allowing us to approach challenges with calmness and clarity. Through mindfulness, cognitive restructuring, and consistent practice, we can rewire the brain to respond with acceptance rather than resistance. When we accept reality, our brain gradually learns to stop viewing unexpected events or unmet expectations as threats, reducing the emotional intensity of those moments.
Steps to Transform Resistance
Step 1: Identify Where You’re Resisting Reality
Awareness is the first step toward change. You can’t move past resistance without first identifying it. Ask yourself: What am I resisting in this situation? Is it a behavior, an outcome, or a feeling? Are there certain behaviors in your partner that trigger frustration? Are you constantly wishing things were different? By naming it, you start to bring awareness to the root cause of your resistance, pinpoint the source of your suffering and consciously choose to shift your perspective. You’ll begin to see patterns of resistance and how they create emotional turbulence in your life.
Step 2: Challenge Your Thoughts:
When you find yourself feeling frustrated or disappointed, pause and ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself about this situation? Is it true?”
This breaks the cycle of resistance by helping you question the thoughts that are causing your suffering. You’ll begin to see situations more clearly and with less emotional charge, leading to greater peace and understanding.
Use Byron Katie’s method of self-inquiry, called The Work, to question the thoughts that cause resistance. For instance, if you’re resisting your partner’s behavior, ask yourself,
Is this thought true?
Can I absolutely know it’s true?
How do I react when I believe the thought?
Who would I be without the thought?
The last step in The Work is the “Turnaround.” Come up with three different sentences expressing the opposite of what you believe. It helps dissolve the stressful stories we tell ourselves by allowing us to see different perspectives by taking us out of a rigid mindset where we believe we know what should happen and opens us to alternative, sometimes more empowering, viewpoints. The process of questioning and turning around our thoughts moves us from resistance to acceptance, allowing for greater inner peace and healthier relationships. From “She is so critical of me,” to “I am so critical of her,” “She is not critical of me,” or “I am so critical of myself.” Which thought is as true? Which thought is most insightful? Where you can take responsibility for your part?
You’ll feel more grounded and less reactive when things don’t go your way.
Step 3: Use Mindfulness to Stay in the Present Moment
One of the most effective ways to combat resistance is through mindfulness. When you feel the urge to resist, pause and observe the present moment. Accept whatever feelings or thoughts arise without trying to change them. Mindfulness helps quiet the mental chatter and reduces the intensity of emotions that arise from resistance. It trains the brain to respond with acceptance rather than reactivity. Coach yourself through:
“I can only control me.”
“This isn’t about me.”
“I don’t like that this is happening and that’s ok.” “They are upset and that’s ok.” I am feeling anxious and that’s ok.”
“I can allow myself to feel uncomfortable without needing to fix it”
“It’s ok to let this go.”
“I can’t control them but I can control my response.”
“This moment is just as it should be because it is.”
With practice, you’ll experience a greater sense of peace and calm, both within yourself and in your relationships.
Acceptance Transforms Relationships
Resistance is a natural response, rooted in our brain’s desire for control and certainty. But when we resist reality—whether it’s our partner’s behavior, a life circumstance, or an emotional experience—we create suffering. Understanding the neuroscience and psychology behind resistance allows us to see it for what it is: an attempt to control the uncontrollable.
By shifting from resistance to acceptance, we open the door to more authentic, compassionate relationships. Acceptance is not about condoning harmful behavior; it’s about letting go of the need to control and embracing life as it unfolds. When we do, we stop creating friction and start fostering love, peace, and understanding. When we stop resisting reality, we open ourselves to the beauty and complexity of our relationships. So, the next time you find yourself fighting reality, ask yourself: What am I resisting, and what might happen if I simply let go? This small shift could change not only your relationship—but your entire life.
