The Sneaky Ways Trust is Broken & How to Rebuild It
Trust is one of the most essential foundations of a healthy relationship, yet it’s often misunderstood or taken for granted. Most people think of trust as a gut feeling or instinct, but in reality, trust is much more complex. It’s built and broken down in small, everyday moments—through actions, words, and intentions. Let’s explore what makes up trust in a relationship and how you can mindfully build it back when it’s been weakened.
There are three critical components that make up the foundation of trust—Competency, Integrity, and Goodwill. Each of these elements plays a vital role in your partner’s ability to trust you and your ability to trust them.
1. Will you do the thing right?
Competency isn’t just about skill—it's about the ability to consistently follow through on what you promise. In a relationship, this can mean everything from completing small tasks to being emotionally present and supportive. Does they do what they say they will do? Do they show up on time? Do you believe that they can do the things they promise or commit to? Competency builds trust because it proves that your partner can rely on you to meet their needs, whether they are practical, emotional, or relational. Competency is critical because trust often breaks down in the day-to-day interactions. For example, if your partner regularly forgets to pick up the kids, misses important events, or often says they’ll do something but doesn’t follow through (even if it’s something they say they’re going to start or stop doing for themselves) it sends the message that they don’t value your time, they aren’t reliable, or the relationship enough to follow through. Over time, these little misses add up and create an underlying sense of disappointment and frustration.
Competency in Action:
Showing up on time for a date or important event.
Being emotionally available when your partner needs support.
Remembering to follow through on tasks or commitments without being reminded.
How to Strengthen Competency:
Set realistic expectations. Only commit to what you can handle, and communicate clearly if something changes.
Be consistent. Reliability builds confidence in your ability to deliver, which strengthens trust over time.
Check-in with your partner. Regularly ask if there’s something more you can do to meet their needs or expectations.
2. Will you do the right thing?
Integrity is the foundation of emotional trust. It’s not just about being truthful in the factual sense, but also about being honest about your emotions, intentions, and vulnerabilities. When you have integrity, your partner can trust that you're being authentic and not hiding parts of yourself to avoid conflict or save face. Are they telling you something so you won’t get upset? Are they trying to manipulate you to get their way or avoid a conflict by telling you what they think you want to hear? Are they saying they feel one way, but their actions don’t align? Are they telling you outright lies consistently?
Without integrity, trust quickly deteriorates. If your partner feels you’re withholding information, sugarcoating the truth, or telling white lies to spare their feelings, they may begin to doubt your honesty. This can create a sense of disconnection or lead to larger betrayals down the road.
Integrity in Action:
Admitting when you’ve made a mistake rather than covering it up.
Being honest about your feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable. Mean what you say, and say what you mean thoughtfully and respectfully.
Avoiding manipulation, like saying one thing but doing another to get your way.
How to Strengthen Integrity:
Be transparent. Open up about what you’re thinking and feeling, even if it’s difficult to express.
Own your mistakes. When you mess up, acknowledge it and make amends rather than deflecting blame or ignoring the issue.
Stay true to your word. If you commit to something, make sure you follow through, even when it’s tough.
3. Will you have my best interests at heart?
Goodwill is all about showing that you have your partner’s best interests at heart. It’s the emotional glue that keeps relationships strong, especially during challenging times. Do they consider how their actions will impact you? Do they actively participate in decision-making, household responsibilities, parenting, etc? Do they listen and show genuine care and concern? Goodwill involves compassion, empathy, and genuine care for your partner as a person, not just as someone who fulfills certain roles in your life (like spouse, parent, or breadwinner). When goodwill is lacking, partners often feel unsupported or even used. Without it, even minor conflicts can escalate because your partner doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you. Showing empathy and consistently acting with kindness helps build emotional trust and reassures your partner that you’re on their side.
Goodwill in Action:
Listening to your partner’s feelings without judgment or jumping to conclusions.
Offering support during tough times, even when it’s inconvenient.
Going out of your way to show appreciation and care, even in small, everyday moments.
Take initiative without being asked.
Be considerate of your partner’s preferences and needs.
Share the load fairly.
How to Strengthen Goodwill:
Practice empathy. Make an effort to understand your partner’s perspective and feelings, even when you don’t agree with them.
Show appreciation. Regularly acknowledge your partner’s efforts, whether big or small.
Offer unconditional support. Be their safe place, especially during difficult times, and reassure them that you have their back.
Why You Need All Three: Competency, Integrity, and Goodwill
In relationships, it’s easy to lean on one or two areas of the Trust Triad and neglect the others. For example, you might be great at showing goodwill by being kind and compassionate, but struggle with competency, often breaking small promises or forgetting important details. Or, you might excel at being reliable and getting things done (competency), but struggle with transparency (integrity) when it comes to sharing your true feelings.
However, true trust requires all three elements to be present and balanced. When one part of the triad is weak, it creates cracks in the relationship, leading to arguments, misunderstandings, and ultimately, distrust.
The Little Ways Trust Is Broken
The trust we build in relationships is often broken in small, everyday moments. For example:
Being late consistently sends the message that you don’t value your partner’s time.
Forgetting important dates or commitments erodes their confidence in your reliability.
Dismissing their feelings or failing to notice when they’re hurting chips away at emotional goodwill.
Telling white lies (even with good intentions) weakens the integrity of the relationship.
These may seem like small offenses, but they add up over time and create resentment, frustration, and disconnection.
Practical Steps to Strengthen Trust
Mindful Listening:
Be present and focus on understanding, not just responding. Try saying, “What I hear you saying is…,” and check in with them to confirm that you’ve understood their feelings.Validate Emotions:
Acknowledge your partner’s emotions, even if you don’t agree with them. This creates a sense of emotional safety and reinforces goodwill. This sounds like, “That makes sense that you would feel this way.” “I can see why you’d feel upset."Keep Promises:
If you say you’ll do something, treat it as a commitment. Even small tasks like taking out the trash or remembering to call back can significantly impact how trustworthy you appear to your partner.Repair Quickly:
When trust is broken (even in small ways), address it immediately. Apologize sincerely, acknowledge their hurt, and work to fix the mistake rather than brushing it off.Empathize with Intent:
Make an intentional effort to understand and feel your partner’s perspective. This creates a deeper emotional connection and strengthens goodwill. Empathy is about identifying what your partner feels and relating to the feeling (not the situation).For example, Sarah expresses feeling overwhelmed at work and at home. She tries to share her struggles with her husband, Tom, hoping for some emotional support but instead, Tom responds with, “You always say you’re overwhelmed. It’s just part of life. You need to deal with it or get a new job.” Sarah feels that her feelings and struggles are trivialized and that Tom isn’t truly listening to or empathizing with her. This response makes her feel unimportant and unsupported, leading to frustration and emotional distance.
Tom could practice empathy by first by acknowledging how she is feeling with, “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I can see how stressful that must be for you.” Now here’s where exercising empathy really makes a difference. Tom has identified that Sarah feels overwhelmed. He might not relate to feeling overwhelmed by the work situation that Sarah is experiencing but he can certainly relate to feeling overwhelmed when their toddler had a fever for the first time and he didn’t know what to do: “I remember feeling overwhelmed when Connor was sick for the very first time. He was burning up with a fever and I was all alone. I didn’t know what to do. That was really tough for me. I imagine you’re feeling a similar way. You’re not alone in this. We’ll figure this out together.” Will it be awkward at first? Yes, until you realize how quickly empathy diffuses and softens people.
Trust isn’t built in a day, but through consistent actions daily.
When you strengthen your competency, integrity, and goodwill, you create a solid foundation that can weather the ups and downs of any relationship. Trust is fragile, but with mindfulness and effort, it can be continuously nurtured and rebuilt.
Take time this week to reflect on your own Trust Triad and identify areas where you can improve. Whether it’s being more reliable, more honest, or more empathetic, every small step you take will strengthen the trust between you and your partner.
